A few letters that got left on the editorial floor:
Despite repeated cease-and-desist letters sent to Mr. Mathers and his SWAT team of attorneys, he has continued to market his "music" under the intentionally duplicitous pseudonym "Eminem." While we understand that this stage name is merely homophonically related to our own M&M product, we nevertheless believe we have legitimate grievance against the "artist."
First and foremost, we find the "hook" for Mr. Mathers' pseudonym ludicrous and ill-informed. If Mr. Mathers does, indeed, wish to acknowledge his inner-identification with African Americans (theoretically symbolized by the chocolate center of a typical M&M), then how, we ask, does the other half of the metaphor stand up? "Chocolate" (i.e. African American) on the inside, perhaps, but how does Mr. Mathers express green, red, or blue on the outside? Clearly, the facile symbolism collapses under such scrutiny.
Furthermore, Mr. Mathers has been and continues to be the direct cause of increased expense associated with the official M&M website. Countless bandwidth is expended on visits to this website by legions of Mr. Mather's underwashed and undereducated admirers, none of whom who seem capable of distinguishing between a very white, very whiny "musician" and our delectably refined chocolates.
Lastly, we find Mr. Mathers' bilious (and oft-times conflicting) ideology at odds with the smooth, sweet taste of our own flagship product.
As such, we cannot support Mr. Mathers' nomination for an award from the GRAMMY Foundation and have taken up a collection from the secretarial pool for a contract on his so-called life. Once this contract is signed, we cannot be held responsible for the acts of any professional assassin or bounty hunter who may and will cause serious bodily harm to Mr. Mathers. Consider yourself warned.
Sincerely,
Mars, Inc.* * * Yo, that dumbass playa' Eminem piece of shit done ripped me off, too. Ain't none of y'all got no respect for me! Fuck you and that bitch of an Academy. Have your goddamn awards show. I'm going to Shoney's.
Spitefully,
Yo' mama,
Martha Wash* * * I love M&Ms. They are my favorite food. They are good. My mommy puts them in a jar in the bathroom. I love my mommy. She lets me have some when I make it to the potty before I have an accident. I am almost potty trained! Mommy says my doggie can't have M&Ms because they are bad for him but he likes them alot so I give them to him. Now mommy says that he is not housebroken anymore and he has to sleep in the yard. I like the brown M&Ms best. I miss my doggie. Why won't mommy let doggie come inside?
Ronald Reagan
