I dunno, Jocko. I think I can imagine slightly more ominous opening lines:
"Suzanne Vega was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."
* * * "Flowers are my life."
* * * "Rod and Bob Jackson-Paris will go down in history as the greatest gay role models ever."
* * * "Tristan awoke at dusk and crawled from the confines of the coffin in which he spent the hours of Phoebus' glorious ride into the endless gloom of the Parisian catacombs, in the process, nearly stumbling over the gabardine cape of his kill from the previous night--a bawdy house tart who claimed virginity as her only vice."
* * * "Oh, Miss Thing, grab yourself a cocktail and relax, because I am going to share with you my many, many adventures as a fabulous circuit boi!"
* * * "Self-publishiing can be the gratest experience in you're life."
* * * "I discovered my gift for poetry on my 73rd birthday, when my great-granddaughter, Barbie, stopped by with her newest little puppy, Mr. Tinkles."
* * * "Call me Ishmael."
* * * "My name is Norman Mailer, and this is my autobiography."
