Last night I met a man whose life was exactly as he'd envisioned it as a sixth grader. He was a doctor, a former professional football player, and a well-respected, RSC-trained actor. When he worked, it was because he wanted to, not because he needed to. And for 75, he was humpalicious.
Then I woke up.
How many people's lives have really turned out like they thought? I mean, when you daydreamt back in Mrs. Monahan's handwriting class, what did you think you were going to be thirty years down the line? A lawyer? A baseball hero? A binge-drinking, chain-smoking whore? If you're anything like me, the current version of You is light years away from the first draft.
Or so I thought. Then I began sifting through dim recollections of my single-digit years, and I gotta say, in some cases, my daydreams weren't too far off the mark. Here's a representative sample of my pre-teen visions of life after 21. They're in chronological order, rated on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most accurate:
1.When I grow up I'll be a girl. >>> [5]
Yeah, it's a little-known fact, but as a young 'un--around five or so--I really wanted to be a girl when I got older. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it was all that "you can be anything you want to be", 1970s-era, feel-good, egalitarian crap. Or maybe a case of gender dysphoria. Whatever. I pictured myself running around with the girls in my class, kissing boys and doing all the things that girls do. In my vision, I was wearing a blue and white gingham dress--which, now that I think about it, was remarkably similar to the one worn by Judy You-Know-Who in The Wizard of You-Know-What. Damn I'm gay.
Almost thirty years later, I'm happy to report that despite biological barriers, I did manage to grow up and run around in gingham dresses, doing all the things that girls do (except menstruating, treating yeast infections, and worrying about vaginal dryness). I was also employed at America's favorite drag-themed restaurant. And I manage to kiss the occasional boy, too. Not so far off the mark after all...
2. When I grow up, I'll be a writer. >>> [10]
The shabbily genteel elementary school I attended had an awesome librarian who fed me Newbery and Caldecott award winners until I puked. I loved to read--it was much better than trying to feign interest in football--so naturally I assumed I'd be a writer in my later years (i.e. around now).
Today, I've come to the realization that I'm no novelist--not by a longshot--but I can manage the 800-1000 word essay now and then. And let's not forget those voluminous grant applications for which I'm so revered. And, well, I'm writing now, aren't I?
3. When I grow up, I'll be a teacher. >>> [8]
I tutored my buddy Kinney for a history exam back in fifth grade, and he aced it--he even got the bonus point. That single event proved to be the defining moment for the rest of my schooldays. From that point on, I was hooked; I was bound and determined to become a teacher.
Although I abandoned my Ph.D. program a couple of years back, I'm still an adjunct instructor at a local university, teaching kids about literature and critical reading and all that stuff. And I plan to go back to teaching full-time one day--when I can afford the cut in pay.
4. When I grow up, I'll be a professional gymnast. >>> [0]
As a kid I loved gymnastics. I liked the grace, the skill, and somewhere in there, I liked the sight of Kurt Thomas in spandex. My parents let me enroll in a program at the Y, secretly hoping I'd become less clumsy as time wore on.
I did fairly well, but unfortunately, the cards were stacked against me: I was the only boy in the class, and as if the ribbings I got from my schoolmates and the girls in the class weren't enough, the Y didn't have any men's equipment. I learned tumbling, vaulting, the balance beam (how humiliating), and trampoline (not even a real event!). Once I proved myself adept at baseball, I quickly moved on. Today, I still have my roundoff and a damn good one-handed cartweel, but that's about it.
5. When I grow up, I'll have a wife, two kids--a boy and a girl--and a beautiful house. >>> [9]
Today, I've got Jonno, our hounds--Kika (female) and Gaston (male)--and a house that will eventually be beautiful. Not bad, all-in-all.
How 'bout you?
