At Jocko's suggestion, I re-worked yesterday's fantasy scenario into a more viable Hollywood version. Here's the pitch I'd make to Mr. Katzenberg:
...Well, okay, Jeffrey, so I can see how a big-screen Gimme a Break reunion might not be your cup of tea. I mean, personally, I think you're missing out; Rosie O'Donnell and Joey Lawrence have already signed on, and as soon as Nell gets outta rehab, she swore she's gonna give the script a thorough read-through. But hey, if it's not your thing, it's not your thing, right? ...But now, this other idea I had--man, lemme tell ya'. It's got "SMASH" written all over it! It's kind of a kooky romantic dramedy about one couple's struggle to rise above the everyday papal bull and reignite their once-passionate marriage. Can I have a drumroll, please? May I present to you:
BLASPHEMOUS IN BAR HARBOR
or AMERICAN BOOTYLICIOUS
(working titles)
Starring...
Mel Gibson as "Brian McDrinkalot," the lusty, rotgut-swilling father!
Reba McIntyre as "Shu-Shao McDrinkalot," a recent convert to Buddhism who's taken a yearlong vow of silence!
Soleil Moon Frye as "Judith 'The Jewess' McDrinkalot," the McDrinkalot's daughter!
Freddie Prinze, Jr. as "Mohammud Kibby al-Hummus," the McDrinkalot's son and a very, very, very angry young man!
With...
Hallie Kate Eisenberg as "Vindaloo-Who," the neighborhood's only sari-wearing Girl Scout!
Tom Arnold as "Mr. Kibbitz," everyone's favorite door-to-door pork salesman!
Drew Barrymore as "Din-Din," the family dog!
and Meg Ryan.
Wadda ya' think so far, Jeff? Do you mind if I call you Jeff? Now, look, I see you frowning--I'd be kidding myself if I tried to deny it--but don't you worry. Meg's part is really, really, really small--basically a cameo. She plays a Unitarian. Honestly, she's just there to bring in the chicks. Chicks love her...
Anyway, I've written a little dialogue. You wanna hear it? Yeah? You wanna? Okay! Here goes. Jeez, I feel like I'm back in high school competing in Dramatic Interp. Okay, ready? Here I go.
SOLEIL
Dad! Mohammud keeps declaring holy war on me!
MEL
Christ, you little sons of bitches, don't make me come up there! I'm gonna start countin', and by the time I get to three, you'd better kiss and make up or by St. Martin's broom I'm gonna rape you both and leave you to rot out on the friggin' moors.
(Before Reba can scribble "There are no moors in Maine, Grasshopper," we hear the ding-dong of a doorbell. Mel answers it. Reverse-shot of Vindaloo-Who standing on the stoop.)
MEL
What is it, Vindaloo-Who?
HALLIE
It is the duty of those within my caste to sell Girl Scout cookies. Would you care to purchase several boxes?
MEL
Jesus, Mary, and goddamn Joseph, how can you be a Girl Scout, Vindaloo-Who? You're no more than two!
HALLIE
Nevertheless, this is the path that has been chosen for me by the mother of my future husband... If you are averse to the traditional pecan sandies, may I suggest these delightful treats that I have made myself from pure vegetable oil and curry powder. They are shaped like the great Ganesh!
FREDDIE
Dad! Judith's playing keep-away with my Gaza Strip.
SOLEIL
Am not! It's mine!
MEL
That's it! I'm lockin' the freakin' doors and settin' the whole house on fire! C'mon, Shu-Shao, we're outta here. Din-Din, you stay. Stay! Good dog. Rot in hell, mates!
(Mel exits, lighting a cigar as he goes. In slow motion, we follow the match over his shoulder, through the mail slot, onto the gasoline-soaked floor. The house explodes into flame. Children are heard screaming.)
Well, wadda ya' think? Huh? Huh? That's as far as we've gotten with the script right now, but don't worry--we've got a happy ending planned. See, in the midst of the fire, Freddie and Soleil make up and help each other scramble to safety. Maybe they fall in love--doubly taboo, huh? A little edgy, just to get the art house crowd... But here's the clincher: Din-Din dies in the fire, and at the dog's funeral, everyone's weeping and crying on each other's shoulder and THAT's the moment of reconciliation. And they all live happily ever after--or at least 'till the sequel. Maybe something like a family vacation in Turkmenistan, I dunno...
And oh, yeah, I almost forgot: I've got a poster all mocked up, too. Wanna take a look? See, it's head shots of the eight leads superimposed on an undulating magic carpet. Note the tag line: "Family feud? Family fatwas!" Clever, huh? But not pretentious... And see how Tom Arnold is gripping the fringe of the carpet with his teeth, like he's trying to stay onboard the darned thing? That's called "wacky." That's exactly what the kids are going for these days! Wackiness. I'm telling you, this could be big! Will be big! So wadda ya think, Jeff? ...Jeff?
