Friday, January 14, 2005

Sample question from the SSSEAT
[Shamelessly Sibilant Sturtelian Ethical Aptitude Test]

32. Which of the following situations is most ethically egregious?

a. Party animal-cum-crooner Kid Rock, who for many weeks had been unofficially slated to perform at the inaugural festivities, will not be participating after all, thanks in part to the prudish, letter-writing efforts of the American Family Association--a right-wing, v-chipping, teetotaling organization so dedicated to kissing the president's pasty white ass that it's completely willing to overlook the fact that GW's cock-gobbling daughters could easily drink Monsieur Rock under the table, so formidable is their lust for the "Devil's Urine" (as booze was often called by Southern Baptists in my neck of the woods).

b. Babs (Walters, not Mrs. Bush 41 or daughter of Bush 43) earns another "get" notch on her belt tonight thanks to an allegedly upfront, candid chat with the First Family on one of ABC's most popular hard-news programs, 20/20, which Babs continues to co-host, despite her demonstrated penchant for smarmy, softball, lachrymose chats with the PARADE magazine set.

c. Intellectual top [clue: dog-eared copy of Das Capital in left rear pocket of well-worn Dockers] Frank Rich possesses the ability to expose corruption, subterfuge, and general hypocrisy all the live-long day, but he has yet to awaken me in the middle of the night, carry me off to his secret pied-a-terre, and ravish me with breathless readings of The 9/11 Commission Report.

d. For centuries, the sassy, back-talking servant has been a failsafe device for comic relief (c.f. Tartuffe, 1664; The Jeffersons, 1975 - 1985), but in fact, this has only served to justify conditions of socio-economic inequity: like black minstrels, know-it-all maids and butlers who save the day prove once and for all that happy-go-lucky underlings make the most of the hand life deals them, so why would we even bother to offer them better wages?

e. All of the above.

f. None of the above.

g. Both a & b. The rest is a load of crap, you big honky fudgepacker.

P.S. Yes, I'm aware that The Cum Crooner would make an excellent title for an adult film catering to the world's gargling fetishists. I'll get right on it.

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