Thursday, April 28, 2005

Mrs. Jeffcoats, my 7th grade science teacher, had some very annoying habits. She stuttered worse than Mel Tillis. She was constantly cracking her knuckles. And apparently, beneath her acres of wrinkled flesh, there was nothing but mucus, because every five seconds or so, she'd cough or sneeze or dig in her nose like she were the world's last uranium miner.

By far, however, her worst offense was her catchphrase: "You learn something new every day." She'd be talking about the solar system or cell division or whatever 7th grade science teachers talk about, then she'd pose a question to one of the many under-educated children in the class (note: I went to school in rural Mississippi; this was not a difficult task). Nine times out of ten, the student would answer the question incorrectly, after which Mrs. Jeffcoats would take a little self-satisfied pause and give the proper response. Then another pause, a slow lean-back on her white, patent leather pumps (worn year-round, natch), and quietly and coyly she'd say: "You learn something new every day."

It played out like this:

MRS JEFFCOATS: So, at the end of the day, is the whale a fish or a mammal? Donnie?

DONNIE: Uh... Mammal.

MRS JEFFCOATS: You sure about that, Donnie?

DONNIE: Fish! Fish!

MRS JEFFCOATS: (pregnant pause) ...The whale, class, is a mammal. (Yet another pause. Rocking back and forth on heels. Scanning the room and fixing each of us with her good eye. Then, softly.) You learn something new every day.

I hated that woman.

And yet, I thought of her yesterday as I did, in fact, learn something new about myself. It seems that I possess a previously untapped skill-set: mounting. (Get your mind out of the gutter, Mary. That's hardly new or untapped, if you know what I mean.)

See, I'd printed some signage for an event, and to save cashola, I decided I'd mount them on foam core myself instead of having Kinko's charge me an arm and a pancreas for the service. And, if I do say so, the finished product looks great--nice and slick. It's comforting to know I've got skills to fall back on should I want to make a career change down the line.

Side note: Krylon Easy-Tack ® spray adhesive goes on smooth and gives a wonderful high.

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