Tuesday, January 03, 2006

BE IT RESOLVED

So, believe it or not, I did make some New Year's resolutions--and waddaya know, we're three days into 2006, and I've managed to keep all of them so far:

• I resolve to stop saying "I told you so," even though I did and I was right.

• I resolve to continue belittling people from New Orleans who talk about "being wounded" and "needing to heal." Did the goddamn pilgrims need aromatherapy? Did Robert Scott? Did the Donner Party? Get to work, ya pussies....

• I resolve to play more videogames and spend less time lamenting the fact that I'm never going to finish that novel.

But enough about me. Following the example of the very wise and pleasantly bitchy Bob Morris, I've also come up with a list of resolutions just for you. They may not all be easy to follow, but adherence will make you healthier, wealthier, more attractive, and an all-around better person:

• You resolve to stop calling me and saying, "Hey, I see from my caller ID that you rang. What's up?" If it wasn't important enough for me to leave a voicemail, it's not important enough for you to call me back.

• You resolve to stop being so needy. All you anti-caffeine, anti-nicotine, anti-alcohol motherfuckers have got to lighten up.

• You resolve to stop sending me ecards. It's 2006, people. There's no excuse.

• If you're in New Orleans, you resolve to be doubly wacky and eccentric. Until everyone gets back to town, you and I are going to have to make up for the lunatic fringe that's missing. You may even have to wear a tutu to work on alternate Fridays--I'm working hard to avoid that, but I thought you ought to know it's a possibility.

• If you're not from New Orleans, you will come soon and see things for yourself and spend some cash and have a better time here than you've had before, mostly 'cause the crowds are smaller and you can enjoy yourself. You will then tell two people, who will then tell two people, and so on, and so on, and so on.

• If you're a contractor from out-of-state making moolah off of the rebuilding of New Orleans, you resolve to (a) tip better and (b) drive the right way down our numerous one-way streets. I don't care what language you speak: there's an arrow on the sign, bitch. Surely even you can follow an arrow.

• If you're a newscaster, you resolve never again to refer to New Orleans as the Big Easy or--worst of all--N'awlins. Refusal to adhere to this particular resolution can result in serious injury or death.

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