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Friday, December 29, 2006
Things never uttered at my family's dinner table:
Who made the calamari?
Hey, Manny, pass the anchovies.
Where'd grandma get this capicola?
When's the lasagna coming out?
Things Jonno's family will never say at holiday gatherings:
You tell Vera that blackberry cobbler was just pure-d good.
Hank, pick out a couple of drumsticks for little Earl to chew on.
What did sister put up in her butterbean casserole this year?
Mama, save me some of that ambrosia for after my nap.
There are similarities, too, I suppose, but I can't help feeling like I've got two passports up my sleeve.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
You know on the evening news when they start talking about America's Big Fat Problem and they run hidden camera footage of overweight people--shot from the neck down, to be polite--wearing ill-fitting clothes and typically in the process of doing the very things that have made them fat in the first place, like smoking or chugging beer or wolfing down a couple dozen krullers? I sometimes wonder if those people ever come home and flip on the news and see those reports and get all, like, "Hey, I was wearing a tie-dyed muumuu just like that today! And I had a Dolly Madison apple pie at lunch, too! What in the world is going on... Omigod. Omigod. Herb, are you in there? Herb, come look at this... Never mind, it's over now... Well, I...I was on the news. And I looked so fat! Am I really that fat? Herb, tell me, honestly: am I fat? ...Omigod, how did I get so fat?!" That, ladies and gentlemen, is one of my greatest fears--and one that will almost certainly come to pass before I die. I won't be targeted because I'm super-overweight (though decades of beignet consumption have taken their toll, believe me), but because I'm gay. Like, obviously gay. As in, half-blind grandmothers from Des Moines can tell I'm a homo just by hearing Nina Totenberg read a description of me. That gay.
The story will go like this:
In the news today: scientists at Johns Hopkins University have determined that gay men are the leading cause of global warming. CUT TO FOOTAGE OF A 20-SOMETHING LABEL WHORE IN SANDALS, LEATHER PANTS, AND A VERSACE TOP FLOUNCING DOWN CASTRO, HIS BANGLE-BOUND HAND REACHING UP TO PULL A TANGLE OF FROSTED LOCKS FROM HIS ARTFULLY KOHL-RIMMED EYES. According to preliminary results from the study, gay men cause greater damage to the environment than coal emissions and cow flatulence combined. CUT TO FOOTAGE OF SOME OLD QUEEN ADDING NON-FAT LOW-CARB SOY TO HIS TRIPLE DECAF VEGETARIAN MOCHALATTAFONDUCINO, GRABBING HIS OVERSIZED SEPHORA SHOPPING BAG, AND STUMBLING OUT OF STARBUCKS INTO A TASTEFULLY AND INDIRECTLY LIT SUNSET ON 8TH AVENUE.
In a news conference broadcast live at 12:00pm Eastern time, President Bush said that he was pleased with the study's findings, and suggested that a quick and easy solution to the problem was at hand.
CUT TO FOOTAGE OF ME ON FAT TUESDAY AFTERNOON, IN STACKED HEELS, A CORSET, LAYER UPON LAYER OF FAUX PRINCESS CUT DIAMONDS, AND VERY LITTLE ELSE, CARRYING A SAFARI UMBRELLA IN ONE HAND AND TWO PBR'S IN THE OTHER, SNAGGING MY FOOT ON AN ABANDONED CHICKEN FEATHER BOA, AND STUMBLING HEADLONG INTO A GUTTER ON ST. ANNE STREET, TRYING IN VAIN TO HIDE MY SUN-RAVAGED FACE FROM THE NEWS CAMERA WITH A SWEAT-SOAKED RAINBOW-TONED MANTILLA.
In an unrelated story, later this afternoon Bush announced the first-ever government-sanctioned celebration of gay pride. All gay men and lesbians should proceed immediately to the docks in Washington, DC, to board a series of navy vessels that have been procured for a complimentary Antarctic cruise. Adolph Nuremberg, chairman of the host committee, said that the party is come-as-you-are and will feature Kool-Aid socials, oven-roasted cuisine, and communal showers... And now over to Betty for a look at your weekend weather.
Friday, December 22, 2006
In honor of today's celebration of orgasms without borders:
Thursday, December 21, 2006
So, tomorrow is the winter solstice. Shortest day of the year and all that. Inspiration for the festival with the tree and the reindeer and the obese man in red, and subsequently the manger and the three Weissmans--Jacob, Ira, and Schlomo. You know all that. What you may not know is that tomorrow has also been chosen as the day for the first annual Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace by some group of hippies artists scientists hippies from, of all places, California. The rationale? "To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy: a Synchronized Global Orgasm." Of course, being hippies and all, they have a problem setting deadlines. Presumably, a real deadline might harsh someone's buzz. So this allegedly synchronized, allegedly global orgasm will happen tomorrow "at the time of your choosing, in the place of your choosing and with as much privacy as you choose." Okay, Rainbow and Starshine, apparently you don't quite get the concept of "synchronized". Lemme put in terms that'll make sense to you: "synchronized" is like when you're at your dealer's house passing the Coke can-cum-bong and watching QVC, and everyone gets the munchies at the same time. Make sense? Good. So put down the hackysack and get specific--as in "everyone shoot for 6pm GMT". (NB: Funny how orgasm-related language is so loaded. And there is is again.) I mean, how else can the Global Consciousness Project measure the effectiveness of your efforts? That's no way to run a serious scientific experiment. You are serious about science, aren't you?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.
And other stupid questions that Slate's Explainer never answered in 2006.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
It's a widely known fact that I have no shame. I have even less so when it comes to theatre. Case in point: the climax of our current production, which simultaneously references Benny Hill, Scooby Doo, and A Charlie Brown Christmas. A certain boyfriend called me out for being so predictable and goofy, but I explained to him that anything can be funny when it's done to "Yakety Sax". And I'm right:
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Circumcision is �not a magic bullet, but a potentially important intervention,� said Dr. Kevin M. De Cock.....
-- New York Times
I would say I'm not gonna touch that, but history has proven me wrong.
Monday, December 11, 2006
To the naked eye, it might seem like today's big newsmakers are the Saints, William "Icebox" Jefferson, and Harry "Road Block" Lee. In fact, however, another local personality has reared his moderately ugly, poorly face-lifted head halfway around the world: in Tehran, at a conference on the Holocaust organized by the Iranian Foreign Ministry's Institute for Political and International Studies:
[Iran's] foreign ministry had said that 67 foreign researchers from 30 countries were scheduled to take part. Among those speaking today are David Duke, the American white-supremacist politician and former Ku Klux Klan leader....
Mr. Duke's remarks late this afternoon are expected to assert that no gas chambers or extermination camps were actually built during the war, on the ground that killing Jews that way would have been much too bothersome and expensive when the Nazis could have used much simpler methods, according to an advance summary of his speech published by the institute.
"Depicting Jews as the overwhelming victims of the Holocaust gave the moral high ground to the Allies as victors of the war, and allowed Jews to establish a state on the occupied land of Palestine," Mr. Duke's paper says, according to the summary.
--New York Times
The full speech is quite a read. Here's a sample:
...I know that the Zionist extremists lead my country to catastrophe in the Mideast and elsewhere around the world. I know that the Palestinian people, the Lebanese people, even the American people have been sacrificed on the altar of the Holocaust. It is the chronic media and government playing of the Holocaust that has blinded our eyes to new holocausts and new outrages.
As a truly patriotic American I oppose Americans being killed or maimed by the thousands in Iraq in war not for America, but for Israel. I am here because I love my country and oppose those who lead America and the world to ruin on behalf of Zionism. In Iraq too, Americans and countless Iraqis have been sacrificed on the ideological altar of the Holocaust, for the Holocaust and its chronic recital is used the justification of any Israeli treachery or crime against humanity.
The Zionist influenced [sic] media in America and Europe is trying to mislead the U.S. and Iran toward a war that would be catastrophic for your country, for my country and for the world. Here too images of a Holocaust against Jews are used to justify and promote a terrible war against Iran that would constitute new Holocaust, one against the Iranian people and indeed for all of us in the world.
--DavidDuke.com
I'm sure the Jews and gypsies and homosexuals will all get their turn at the microphone, though.
OMG. Fresh from my inbox, the best spam subject line ever:
The animal hospital drama that led to our gut-wrenching decision to euthanize our cat took place less than a day after she'd been seen by our regular vet and sent home with a vitamin shot.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
AMUSEMENTS OF NOTE
 1. Our annual Chriskwaanzukkah trailer park musical extravaganza opens tomorrow night at One Eyed Jacks--which would explain (a) why I've been so quiet lately, and (b) why I've been giggling to myself. I won't give away all our secrets, but picture this: a Christmas-themed semi-retarded biker-girl striptease and an all-Jew version of "Devil Went Down to Georgia". Intrigued? Well, grab some tickets, woman! We ain't just doin' this for our health.... 
2. Somehow, between the singing and the DJing and the recording and the mixing, my sister found time to create a couple of new videos. The Adventures of Fou Fou the Poodle #1
The Adventures of Fou Fou the Poodle #2
My theory? Comic sensibilities are genetic. Another theory: poodles are made for mockery. A third? Vicki Lawrence and Linda Hunt are the same person. I mean, have you ever seen them together?
3. Other titbits that recently raised one or both of my eyebrows: the New York Times has given a mild but firm low-grade bitchslap to a certain food writer from GQ, and the ultra-super-mega-hardcore Taliban--who've brought the world such memorable hits as "Public Executions of Women Who Wear Pants" and "No Fag is too Young for Hanging"--recently admitted it has a problem with man-boy love within its ranks. And as we all know, admitting that you have a problem is the first step toward being stoned to death.
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