Dear General Shakira Souvlaki Shalikashvili:
My name is Richard and I'm from New Orleans and I called your office 13 years ago to complain about the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy you were peddling back then. Perhaps you remember me? I was the idealistic young faggotini who told your receptionist, "'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is hurtful and discriminatory! Just who does the general he think he is?!" I hope you've gotten some better help these days, because at the time, the dullard just mumbled, "Um, uh, he's the General...?"
Anyway, whether you remember me or not, I just wanted to write a little note to let you know I still think you're a douchebag. And what's more, time has proven you wrong. I hate to say I told you so, but I totally told you so, motherfucker.
I mean, look: I appreciate your op-ed piece in yesterday's New York Times, where you talk about having a change of heart after chatting with today's troops and realizing, "OMG, like, fudgepacking is so not a BFD." However, if you'd bothered to pick up a newspaper or turn on a television in 1993 you might've noticed that gays were everywhere, that they'd already gone mainstream, that the kind of rhetoric you were spouting was as outdated and doomed as George goddamn Wallace screaming "segregation forever". But then, I suppose we shouldn't expect the nation's top military commanders to strategize or read the writing on the wall--which is why those who've followed in your footsteps are doing such a bang-up job of democratizing the Middle East.
See, back then you thought that acknowledging the rights of gays to enlist and expecting straight servicemen to be mature adults would result in a lot of:
But if you'd grown up homo yourself, you would've known that nothing could've been further from the truth. If anything, in traditional, heterosexual environments, homos do their best to blend in, often going the extra mile to out-straight our straight colleagues. Also you'd have known that we do a much better job with the face paint.
What you should've considered is that even if a little discreet cockgobbling action were to break out in the latrines at 02:00 hours, that's not necessarily a bad thing. As a student of history, perhaps you remember another army that not only allowed, but encouraged such canoodling?
I'm not saying that's a great thing or that it's entirely appropriate. Though you have to admit, it's kinda hot.
One other thing you never considered: lesbians. All your talk about morale and crap centered around the offensiveness of turdburgling, when in fact--and maybe I'm stereotyping here--I'm gonna guess that lesbians are far more likely to enlist in the service than gay men. Did you, as a straight man, forget about girl-on-girl action? That's curious. I know you can't see it, but my eyebrow is totally arched.
In conclusion, I'd like to point out that despite your superficial recantation of homophobia, it's probably all for naught. I mean, no one's been listening to official reports from active generals for ages, so a Times op-ed from a retired general...well, that carries about as much weight in the current administration as another phone call from little ol' me. If enrollment numbers were down, maybe you'd get some play, but apparently, that's not much of a problem anymore. Too little, too late. Now you know how the rest of us felt. And feel.
Your less-than-humble peer,
Richard
