Thursday, January 31, 2008

• Because suicide's on the verge of becoming trendy again, and before long everyone will be all like, "Damn copycattin' bitch."

• Because people are starting to take K-Fed's side, and girl needs the sympathy.

• Because the public is in danger of forgetting how truly fuhtup she is.

• Because Mary Hart is running out of things to say and is seriously considering having one of her assistants read up on that Darfur place everyone keeps talking about.

• Because someone's gotta beat Amy Winehouse to the punch.

• Because I'd like a topical costume for Mardi Gras, and I can't find a John Edwards wig.

• Because inheritance taxes are lookin' pretty good right now. You know, for the kids and stuff.

• Because her sister's newborn child needs a namesake.

• Because Nostrodamus said she would. Really.

• Because there's construction in the works in downtown New Orleans, but you can't name federal buildings after anyone with a pulse.

• Because she's proven she can perform in her sleep, which means she can probably do so when she's dead.

• Because she must prepare the way for The Chosen One.

• Because it'll show that she's environmentally conscious, what with all the decomposing and everything.

• Because Roy Cohn wants entertainment, dammit, and he wants it now!

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