It's What's for Brunch
Not so long ago, around the time Macaulay Culkin first popped up on the NAMBLA radar screen and Vanilla Ice was schtupping the Material Girl (you'd forgotten about that, hadn't you?), Southern Decadence languished in relative obscurity. Lost in the shuffle of Labor Day phenomena like Wigstock, Wigstock West, Wigstock Wichita, and other Lady Bunny-esque atrocities, Decadence was practically unknown to folks living above sea level. People sneered at it like a red-headed stepchild, arched their over-tweezed brows, and asked: What's it all about? How are the drugs? Will the Jackson-Parises be there? And so on.
Today, however, we're living in a different world--a world in which Mr. Culkin has pubic hair (at least, we think he does), Mr. Ice is opening K-Marts in Terre Haute (when he's lucky), and every nancy boy north of Nuevo Laredo has heard of Southern Decadence. Its cachet of mystery long since dissipated, Decadence is now a major, four day-long street party vigorously promoted in the media and through the Great Gay Grapevine. In fact, I'm guessing most of you have taken part in the festivities once or twice yourselves--or at least glimpsed tawdry pics of the goings-on in your buddies' photo albums or on any number of websites chronicling the mating rituals of the Southern homosexual.
Nevertheless, I'm sure there are at least a couple of readers who've never had the pleasure, and for you, my dears, I can only express heartfelt sympathies and encourage you to give it a whirl this year. If you're brave enough to accept the challenge, though, you're going to need some lessons in basic Decadence technique, and I have graciously offered my services to provide such advice. For your review, therefore, I submit a sextet of suggestions that should, if followed to the letter, make for a pleasant and enjoyable Labor Day weekend. Please take notes: You'll be tested later…
Suggestion #1: Pack lightly
Unless Hell freezes over and we're hit with a sudden cold snap, Labor Day temps in New Orleans can best be described as "Africa hot." Linen, cotton, tulle: these form the basis of any snappy wardrobe during our long, steamy summer. In other words, I don't care how cute Banana Republic's fall collection is, it's gonna be too damn hot for a corduroy jacket. Die-hard leather queens, you're welcome to give it a go, but if you spontaneously combust en route to Rawhide, don't say you weren't warned.
Suggestion #2: Pack festively
I mean, it's called Decadence, right? Live it up, turn it out! Forget about cruising for guys for just a couple of hours and don your gayest apparel! Decadence is all about being decadent, Mary--but keep in mind that decadent does not equal bright pink wifebeaters and sailors' caps. (If I keep saying it, maybe it'll sink in.) Skip the cutoff hot pants and try out those plate metal pasties your boyfriend got you last Christmas. Wear your Halloween costume inside-out--no one will know it's not new. Find creative uses for bottle caps and fishing wire. For goddess' sake, just be entertaining!
Suggestion #3: Pack aspirin
New Orleans is commonly described as a city of extremes, and when people come to visit, they're prone to test their personal limits. That's all well and good, but might I suggest you try to take it easy with Mr. Daniels and Miss Tina? At the very least, save a little of yourself for Sunday, the longest day of 'em all. You'll thank me later.
Suggestion #4: Pack a lunch
…or at least grab a bite to eat in one of our restaurants. Not only will you be sampling some of the world's best cuisine and helping our service industry-driven economy, but you'll also be putting something in your stomach--a nice thing, if you've forgotten Rule #3.
Suggestion #5: Pack fudge--but not on the sidewalk
I know you think it's, like, wild and crazy and cool and all to meet hot guys who are ready to throw up their heels and ride your Mr. Winky in the gutter, but lemme tell ya: it ain't. Making out like rabid snow weasels in a bar bathroom is one thing, but it's quite another to knock boots in front of Sister Helen and the entire staff of St. Louis Cathedral School. More importantly, contrary to popular opinion, Hot Cop Cock Volume 4 is not indicative of typical police attitudes toward public homosex--and when you get to Central Lockup, Donnie Russo and Hank Hightower won't be waiting for you in the holding tank. In the immortal words of my dear friend Neville, get a room, get a stall, get your meat off the street.
Suggestion #6: Pack it in
Know when to say enough's enough, Agnes. It's no crime to leave off with the drinking and the dolls and hit the hay before dawn. Besides, if you nab some shut eye, you might be able to enjoy some of the other things New Orleans has to offer. Visit the zoo. Take a streetcar ride Uptown and see how the real WASPs live. Catch any number of plays and concerts on the city's stages. (No, it's not all jazz.) Take a walking tour of the Quarter or the Garden District. At least you'll have a couple of lucid, memorable moments while you're here. Not that the boys in the secretarial pool back home wanna hear about anything so mundane, but still….