We should have known by the look in your eyes that you'd be interested in Terre Haute's finest femme fatales! It's written all over your face! Really! Go look in the mirror! Ha ha ha!

But enough about us....why don't you take a gander at these Midwestern gems!

* * *

Of course, this is Tanya. We say "of course" because if you've ever been to Terre Haute, you've probably seen her! She's a lusty, busty little vixen who works down at the Chevron Station on Highway 41 between here and Champaign. She's not just a cashier, though--not her! She likes to get dirt under her fine sculptured nails! You'll find her in the pit of the garage, changing tires with her grease-monkey compadres!

Ed was having his oil changed one night and he kind of had his eye on Sam, one of Tanya's co-workers (he's not in our Rootin' Tootin Guys section yet, but we're hoping!). She must have known what Ed had on his mind, though, 'cause she asked him if he wanted a lube job--and she wasn't planning on using 10W-40! No sir! Ed thought Doris would get a kick out of her robust demeanor, piled her in the (unlubed!) car, and brought her home, where we snacked on hoagies and pirogues for a while until Tanya got fed up with beating around the bush and beat around Doris' bush for a while! Ha! She's from the South, just like Doris--they must have smelled it on each other! We hope she'll decide to stop by again soon!

* * *

It's too bad Carla wouldn't take off her unmentionables! She's got some great tattoos! Ed found her at the local burlesque club (he was there for a "lingerie lunch") and just couldn't resist! And who could? You? Ha! We doubt it! You're too weak for her! She can take on any man, woman, or quadruped that has the nerve to look at her funny! And she's mean--really mean!

Once, she tied Doris up with duct tape and left her in a corner while she and Ed played doctor. That was okay, but then Carla wouldn't let Ed release her! Carla kept joking about leaving Doris to rot and running away to Canada with Ed! Brrrr! Then she and Ed went to McDonald's and left Doris incapacitated! Ouch! And Doris had to use the bathroom, if you know what we mean. Needless to say, Doris didn't have to go in for her waxing that week! Ha! Carla's been pretty hard to get in touch with since then--maybe she's all tied up!! We just hope she drops in again real soon!

* * *

We're sorry to say that we don't know much about Brigette! We just got this picture in the mail the other day. She lives in Germany! Wow! She must have gotten our address from this website and mailed us! She wrote a little note, too, but her English wasn't too good, so we don't really know what she said. We think we got her really hot, though! Too bad she doesn't live closer! We'd love to make a braunschweiger sandwich out of her! Ha!

We've had to take our address off the site. Doris' mom has a tendency to open our mail, you see, and with steamy numbers like this around, she might have a heart attack. Ed thinks that might be just what she needs to cool her down and teach her a lesson about privacy. Anyway, if you want to reach us, you'll have to use electronic mail! Mom hasn't become a "hacker" yet!

* * *

This is our all time favorite! Charlotte! She's a one-of-a-kind gal--she's an only child! Get it?! Ha! She's Ed's niece's best friend, which makes her sound like jailbait, but she's older than she looks! She's 19! More than enough!

We had our first rendez-vous at Ed's sister's Christmas party. Betty (Ed's sister) had laid out a big spread, and afterwards, Ed collapsed in the guest bedroom. That's the way he always is: eat, sleep, eat, sleep. That's why he is getting fat! Anyway, when he woke up, Charlotte had crept in the room, shut and locked the door (she pulled the dresser in front of it just to make sure no one disturbed her!), and was unzipping Ed's fly! Gasp! She was ready to go! Ed was instantly aroused and didn't last too long with her--she was surprisingly experienced! What do they teach these kids in school these days? We wanna go back! Just like Olivia Newton-John!

Charlotte moved not long after that, and Doris never got the chance to play with her. She wrote us a note and said she was going to an art institute in Chicago, but she'd be back home from time to time. We'd love to spend a spring break with her! Surf's up! Ha ha ha ha!

* * *

Well, as you can probably guess just from looking at the picture, this is Rhonda. Rhonda hails from well below the Mason-Dixon line--she's one of Doris' cousins! She came up for a visit not too long ago. She wanted to see the hustle and bustle of the Midwest, so where better to come than Terre Haute? We're pretty fancy here, and we're just a stone's throw from even bigger places! Anyway, she came and we took her out for a night on the town and drank a lot of beer and came home kind of tipsy. Ed passed out in the hallway, but Rhonda said she wanted a bath. Then she turned to Doris and asked if she wanted to join her!!! Just like when they were kids!!! Of course, Doris took her up on the offer.

Doris isn't willing to talk about the experience in public, but Ed knows they must have had a good time because when he came to at 6:00am, he went to urinate (can we use that word here?) and found them asleep in the tub, with Rhonda laying on top of Doris. He thought he'd wake them up by hosing them down with a little present from his small intestine, but they were really unconscious! They didn't even budge! They must have had some bath! Ha! When Doris pulled herself out around lunchtime, she had a lot of bruises around her pelvic region--and neither she nor Rhonda remember how they got there! Ed secretly believes the bruises probably came from Rhonda lying immobile on her lap for God-knows how many hours. He says Rhonda's kind of obese, but Doris knows it's just baby fat. All the women in her family are the same way. Of course, Ed says that that's because they practically live on pork rinds, but Doris swears it's genetic.

Anyway, Rhonda left quietly, and we thought she was sort of embarrassed about the whole thing, but apparently not, because about a week later, we got this photo in the mail! You can't really see it, but she's bottomless and sitting on some sort of stump! She also sent us some other pictures that are way too hot to put here! She was crawling around in the forest, like she was looking for some small furry creature to keep her company! The raging hormones in that family!

* * *