or, Dating Through DNA
Aside from being a numerical palindrome (the last any of us are gonna see), 2002 is just plain cool. It seems colossal, a sort of threshold, as though the world should be somehow different--like that movie Tron, you know, or at least Blade Runner. Digital, digital, digital, with droids everywhere, flying buses, robot butlers, genetically modified fat-free ham…
And yet, apart from a temperamental cell phone and the occasional online shopping spree, my life today isn't noticeably different than it was a decade ago. Even the relatively advanced field of cloning seems years away from offering us real Chris Melonis for Christmas--a scenario about which I constantly daydream, despite undying affection for my boyfriend…
Good afternoon, Mr. Buck, and welcome to Dr. Quentin Hampstead Huntington-Smythe's Discount House of Clones. My name is Algernon, and I'll be your clone consultant today. Please have a seat. Would you like a glass of water? I'd offer you something stronger, but we've recently discovered that alcohol can sometimes hinder your ability to choose a proper mate. As a result, the daiquiri kiosk has been removed. I'm sorry.
On a lighter note, you'll be happy to know that constructing a mate is a very simple thing to do--much simpler than actually looking for one on your own. You have only to make a few simple choices, adjourn to our comfortably modern customer lounge, and wait for your mate to arrive. Shall we begin?
The first thing upon which you'll have to decide is the Mind. This, my dear, is the most difficult choice you'll have to make today--it's all downhill from here. Now, as you can see from our extensive DNA portfolio, we offer a wide variety of intellects, priced for every pocketbook. Oscar Wilde? Endlessly entertaining. Jean Cocteau? Fantastically poetic. Edmund White, Andrew Holleran, Eudora Welty--each brings something unique to your humble abode. Might I interest you in a little Michel Foucault? He's part of this week's sale on Dead Gay French Philosophers. As you'll find out, Michel can carry on at length about any subject you might propose; then hit the sack and watch him go to work! Ideal for leather enthusiasts…. Can I take that nod as a yes? Good. (Hey, Estelle, pop another Foucault in the microwave, will ya'? And don't eat that last cruller!)
Now, mon choux, we move on to the Face. This one might seem important, but you'll find in the end, it's not. Just go with your first impression, that's what I say. Perhaps you'd like something conventional, like our Bel Ami special. I don't actually know the name of the model, but they all look the same, so what does it matter? If you prefer a swarthier visage, we're running specials on George Clooney, Rudolph Valentino, and Anthony Gallo. (Don't tell the manager I told you, but next week we're also reducing Laurence Fishburne, Antonio Banderas, and Jackie Chan.) And for the gentlemen with…unusual tastes, we have a full stock of politicians, headbangers, and heterosexual porn stars. Henry Kissinger and Ron Jeremy have both proved surprisingly popular…. Oh, I see you like the Joe Dallessandro model--excellent! It ages so well.
All right, we're nearly through, my dear. See how easy that was? Why, in no time at all, you'll be back at home making dinner for your charming little…well, have you chosen a name yet? …I beg your pardon? Could you spell that? Hmm. "Schlatko." Interesting. A little short on vowels, but it's your call, now isn't it? It certainly beats the last customer--he wanted to name his mate "Godzilla Meringue." Can you imagine? I said to him, honey, with all due respect, you're sitting in a chair that was upholstered by the clone of Karl Lagerfeld himself. We take our business very seriously. We create quality mates for serious professionals--not freakshow drag queens for Jenny goddamn Jones… Oh, my goodness, excuse me. I didn't mean to gossip! I can be such a bitch when my blood sugar drops. …Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, the Body. We've got all sorts, from Leonardo DiCaprio to that 800-pound man who had to be removed from his house with a crane last Thursday. Most people opt for something in the middle, somewhere between Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis. …Ah, Ewan McGregor. Excellent choice--manly, but not too muscled; thin, but not a total ectomorph. And of course, you know about the…yes, I thought you did.
Very well then, that's it. If you'll please step over to the waiting room and sign the necessary paperwork, I'll just pop in the back and cook up a little Schlatko just for you…. Estelle, I can see you from here! That better be a bagel in your mouth, or I'm gonna clone me a new friggin' coworker!