(for those prone to such)
Pride festivals mean different things to different people. For some, Pride is a time to reflect on how far our diverse community has come over the past 32 years. For others--namely my agoraphobic Aunt Trudy--it's time to get the hell outta Dodge. But for many, many more of you, Pride means it's time to pick up a 12-pack, break out the thongs, and party like it's, um…2001.
Not so long ago, Gay Pride was primarily a political event--a feisty parade of activists carrying placards, screaming chants, and necking in public to freak out the squares. Nowadays it's that and more. Sure, the placards remain, as do the chants. But necking? Hell, the action in the street is so hot, Chi Chi brings her cameramen to the parade (cf. her chef d'oeuvre, More of a Man). Depending on where you live, Pride can last up to a week in length, with an endless array of events for homos and the homo-friendly to attend. In larger cities, the streets become so clogged with revelers it starts to look like Hurricane Liberace cut a swath of destruction through the center of town, spewing a flood go-go boys in its wake.
For those few days that the music's playing and the party's jumpin' jumpin', we're the kings and queens of the world. But eventually, Pride ends. Bars replace their ROYGBIV color schemes with much simpler red, white, and blue in preparation for Independence Day. Cute boys from out of town disappear in an endless stream of taxicabs speeding toward the airport. Soon you notice that 12-pack has gone straight to your 6-pack.
No doubt, it's depressing. You've just spent a week hanging with friends old and new, zipping off to a different bar or party or dungeon every night and now…nothing. The weather's so hot that you're stuck inside for most of the time; your buddies have all gone on vacation; AOL chat rooms no longer hold the allure they once did: you've hit the post-Pride blues. What can you do to beat 'em? Here's a couple of suggestions:
1. Take a moment to write down your feelings about Pride, then compress those thoughts into haiku:
Nighttime bar hotties
can look very different
in the light of day.Hello? Christina?
Christina Aguilera?
Your time's up, blondie.2. Get a pet. Dogs are ideal, but rodents will do if that's all your lease allows. In a pinch, rent Best in Show. Delight in the on-screen antics of Parker Posey and Catherine O'Hara. [Note: never resort to buying a cat. Trust me.]
3. Drink heavily. Thanks to all that beer, you've already begun developing a gut-- see how far you can go before it gets really disgusting. Who stops flirting with you? How many new pairs of chubby-chasin' eyes stare your way?
4. Visit the hobby store. Rekindle your passion for model trains. Discover string art. Alternately, dig out that vintage Dungeons and Dragons set and cruise the Internet looking for gay geeks. Some of 'em might be little four-eyed sex muffins.
5. Write up a list of nicknames for every drug you consumed over Pride week. Have fun with acronyms by seeing how many words you can make from those wee letters. If you can spell out the first names of every member of the Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, or O-Town, you win. Treat yourself to a boxed set of The Cramps or Bongwater, just for variety's sake.
6. Take up baking. An oven-warmed Georgia kitchen in July? Where else would you want to be? Best of all, baking's impossible. Only little elves and grandmothers can do it well. You'll be cursing and throwing knives and covered in self-rising flour before you can say "yeast." Fun, fun, fun!
7. Organize a quilting bee. Call up your deadbeat friends and tell 'em you'll forgive all the debts they owe you if only they'll come over and sew for an evening. Make everyone bring her/his own stash of rainbow hot pants. Sew them into a sleeping bag for four or more. This winter, use it.
8. Design a website. Load it up with animated gifs and midi sound files of Mariah and Celine Dion. Then post a page of explicit sexual photos involving you, your pet (see #1), and a medley of seasonal fruit. Guess how long it'll be before the authorities show up.
9. Prepare your will. Being depressed and all, now's the perfect time to reflect on your own mortality. Angry at friends and relatives? Leave everything to your local Pride committee. Endow a float in your name.
10. Spend time with your dolls--the Jacqueline Susann kind. Before long, you'll forget all about that silly ol' Pridefest, and next thing you know, it'll be time for Decadence. Nightie-night, Neely. See you in September…